Huey Lewis and the Snooze

Idol threw us a curveball last night by switching up the theme from the previously announced Teen Idols to #1 Songs from Billboards Hot 100.  This change should have afforded the Top 11 a golden opportunity to select a great song as they had a catalogue of number 1 hits from 1958 to the present  to choose from.  Instead of an evening of amazing songs we were once again subjected to an evening of pitchy garbage and copycat cruiseship/bad karaoke bar performances. 

From my previous posts, you all know that I loathe Miley Cyrus and the fact that she looks and sounds (at least to me) just like this:

Imagine my surprise then when the worst thing about last nights show wasn't Miley (cue the "It's Miley" sound clip from The Soup!) Cyrus, but the singing and song selection of 9 of the Top 11.  The show was so bad in fact that I really have nothing to say about it (yeah right!).  With the exception of Crystal and to some degree Siobhan, the rest of the show was so horrific I wouldn't be surprised if iTunes refuses to put the songs up for sale. 

I am so disappointed in Season 9 and honestly can't wait for it to end.  And that makes me sad.  The Top 10 Tour will surely contain three of the following horrid singers, Paige, Tim, Katie and Andrew (whoever isn't cut tonight).  Does anyone else feel that calling the tour The Top 10 of Americal Idol rings of false advertisement?  Will anyone actually shell out money to see this years tour?  I know I won't.  If I want pitchy, I'll go stand in a pine forest - at least that won't cost me money and give me a headache or make my ears bleed.

It was obvious that the evening was going to suck right from the start.  No sooner had I settled down on my awsome love seat

with my gorgeous wife and crazy dogs (yes we all manage to pile onto that one seat) that things took a turn for the worse and continued to circle around the toilet bowl for the next 2 hours before finally being flushed out into the sewer system at roughly 10pm.  Holy crap! 

Lee started things off with "The Letter."  If Lee fancies himself the rocker of the group, then he needs to step up his game.  It was oldfashioned, boring, and just as Simon said "corney."  The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.  Note to Lee, please watch the following:

That is how you make a song from 1967 sound contemporary. 

Okay, so not the greatest start in the world but it could only get better, right?  WRONG!!!!!  Seriously, what chucklehead decided that Paige Miles "Against All Odds" was a brilliant 2nd act for the show?  Don't these people listen to the run throughs before the show?  What an aptly named song for such an untalented singer.  It was certainly against all odds that Paige was going to perform well and redeem herself in the competition.  Did it not occur to her that she shouldn't be singing a song with the lyrics "Take a look at me know, there's just an empty space, there's nothing left here...?"  Oh and I use the term "singing" very loosly.  Even her video clip was boring.  Randy called it "honestly terrible;" Ellen refused to comment on her vocals; Kara spoke the truth by telling her that it was "your worst vocal to date and possibly the worst vocal all season;" and Simon finished her off by telling her that she was in serious trouble.  And she just might be in trouble if it weren't for Tim "Slip "n Slide" Urban.

Did anyone catch his cutaway before the commercial break?  Just in case you were still tucked in the fetal position and rocking back and forth on the floor as a result of Paige's vocal stylings, I'll try and recreate the image:  Tim, with his moptop (no disrespect to the young Beatles) and silver/grey sport jacket, he looked straight into the camers, winked, finger-snapped and gave his best "dirty diddler hanging around by himself outside a Chuck E Cheese on a Saturday perv smile" as Ryan announced that he would be "molesting" Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love."  All I could think was, this would make a great SNL segment of "Really? with Seth Myers and whoever he wanted as a guest."  Based on the fact that it is Queen, I'd suggest Nathan Lane as a guest as that would make for great commentary on what was about to transpire.  Really?  Tim you think that you are even in the same league as Freddie Mercury?  Really?  Freddie was a showman and you my friend are no showman.  Unless the show in question is an audition to play a child preditor in a Lifetime  movie.  He somehow evoked a Jon Peter Lewis-esque quality as he was bouncing around on stage which didn't help matters.  The best part of the whole segment was not Randy saying that the "slide was the dopest part," but rather Ellen exclaiming that "lots of poeple love you and therefore will love that, and then there's poeple like me."  She didn't enev need to say anything else as it was clear from the look on her face that she was appalled by what just transpired.  When Ryan asked him why he chose that song, Tim proudly proclaimed that he "wanted to have fun."  

Laryngitis and tonsillitis couldn't keep Aaron from performing "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith.  I would ahve preferred to miss the whole thing but that's just me.  Looking like he was headed to 3rd period art class to make something out of papier mache for his mom for Mother's Day or Easter, Aaron, who was still all worked up from hugging his crush, Miley, managed to sound alright and delivered the best performance of the night thus far.  Not hard considering.  As Simon said, he has "zero chance of going home" tonight, despite Ryan referring to him as Archuleta which I started doing weeks ago.  Get your own material Ryan! 

Who else has zero chance of going home tonight?  That would be the lone bright spot in an otherwise dreadful evening.  I'm of course referring to Crystal Bowersox.  With her wonderfully perfect rendition of Janis Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee," Crystal reclaimed the top spot as the one to beat this season.  Everything about the performance was a pleasure from her outfit and hair, her sparkling vocals and guitar playing right down to use of a rug to add ambiance to her 90 seconds on stage.  The only negative thing about the whole performance was when the camera panned the audience and focused in on some dude with massive pit stains.  Otherwise, as Simon said, "Don't change a thing" Crystal and you'll be right there in the final 2.

Big Mike tried to redeem the Guys with his take on "When A Man Loves A Woman." It was safe, boring, and loungy just as the Judges said.  What bothers me the most about Mike is his David Archuleta like obsessive liking of his lips.  It bugged the you know what out of me in Season 7 and it's reared it's ugly head again.  This is a trait that is most commonly associated with OCD or Touretts not multi-platinum recording stars.  Not to say that someone with either affliction couldn't be a recording star....or to quote Seinfeld "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"  If he's not careful, this may occur during a performance:

 

As a mentor, I feel that Miley should have taken it a step further when she told Andrew to lose the guitar and also told him to lose his song choice as well.  It should be glaringly obvious to him (as it is to all of us) by now that he can't possibly pull off singing anything by Marvin Gaye, let alone "I Head It Through the Grapevine."  Yet there he was "sucking the soul" out of yet another classic hit and "torturing it" on live television.  What happened to Andrew and all the promise he held during auditions?  And why in the world was he channelling Vanilla Ice during his performance?  Everything about it was offputting and smelly, much like a chinese restaurant dumpster that's been sitting in the hot sun for days.  If not Paige or Tim, Andrew could be the one left out of the cash cow Top 10 Tour.  Oh poor us....whatever will we do without him being able to perform "Straight Up" on the tour?  Andrew also continued the theme of contestants saying that that wanted to "have fun" on stage.  What about us?  What about making it fun for the audience?  Shouldn't we have fun when you perform Andrew?  Cause it ain't happening!  

To make matters even worse, Katie "Greese Lightnin" Stevens took the stage right after Andrew.  Wearing a pleather jacket, graphic tee, hot pink suspenders and tight jeans, Katie attempted to keep things fresh and young with Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry."  As the only contestant to choose a current song, I have to give Katie props.  Was it a great performance?  Of course not, this is Katie we're talking about here.  She was monetone throughout and seemed to be fighting against the song the whole time.  It's her voice that's the issue.  No matter what she does, she sounds old.  Simon is correct that the best market for her is Country as the tone of her voice lends itself to that type of music.  But at least she tried to be contemporary and current and didn't pick a song that is 25 years older than she is like everyone else did.

Casey "I'm a big fan of your dad" James went Back to the Future and still managed to impersonate Huey Lewis.  80's cover band is right!  Not a good performance unless you count his guitar playing which was surperb.  The rest was not good and although he will be safe tonight, he's slipping closer to the bottom ranks of the Guys.

I'm going to have to disagree with the Judges on Didi's "You're No Good."  I actually thought it was one of her better performances.  She utilized the stage; her vocals were fairly solid; the song choice was not bad; and she showed a playful side after last weeks "deep thoughts."  I also give her credit for telling the Judges that she has many layers and she doesn't want to just show one.  

Siobhan was afforded the pimp slot and sadly, she didn't bring her A game.  She still managed to best the other nine competitors and place a respectible 2nd to Crystal for the evening.  I didn't get the hair, the song choice "Superstition," or the need to scream at the end of the song.  If she had come out and done the opposite of what she did, it could have been amazing.  That being said, even Adam Lambert had off nights ("Ring of Fire" didn't play well to the Judges either).  

So which of these four (Paige, Katie, Tim or Andrew) will make up the bottom 3?  Will there be a surprise such as Didi or Casey or Aaron mixed in there?  Tune in tonight to find out!

~E