Perhaps there were hanging chads?

Not since "America" accidentally voted George Dubya into office in 2000 has there been a clear case of WTF with regards to voting results.  Was it a case of ballot stuffing?  Hanging chads?  Were zombies (yes folks that's 2 uses of the word zombie in 2 days) texting for their leader?  Is that commercial for the new movie "The Crazies" based on actual events and somehow linked to last night results?  We may never know the answer for sure unless....never mind, David Freidman has left the building and is not available to fly to Hollywood and partake in a recount.  Such is life. 

Except for my theory about "The Crazies."  I'll tell you.  I have a neighbor who acts suspiciously like the folks in that movie trailer.  He was standing across the street staring at my building the other night when Alyssa and I went out to walk our dogs.  He then crossed the street right towards us still staring at my building.  I stepped aside to get out of his way and he paused as if he was going to just follow us.  I walked a few steps and follow us he did.  I stepped aside again and he darted by us a few feet and then violently spit on the ground and thrashed his Tedeschi's bag around and stormed up the stairs to his building which is right next to mine.  Once on the stairs he began screaming obscenities in the general direction of his front door and then turned around to hurl several incomprehensible swears and other ramblings towards us before creaming at his door again and going inside.

What does this have to do with anything you ask?  Plot.  That's what.  And I thought you might enjoy a little true life story from the streets of Chelsea (where I'll return shortly). 

On with the plot.  The show starts inncoently enough.  Ryan looking dapper.  The contestants all lined up and ready to sing together for the first time on stage.  A little small talk, a little buildup and BAM!  We are thrust right into the first big scene of horrific and gratuitous carnage, the lip-synch group number.  Tonights bloodbath was to the tune of Estelle's "American Boy."  Based on the destructive nature of these numbers and the fact that 19 Entertainment refuses to a) let the contestants sing live or b) get some quality guest singers to perform each week leads me to wonder why Toyota isn't the sponsor instead of Ford.  Toyota doesn't mind sacrificing people for profits either?

Right on cue Ryan then quickly and methodically whittled down the first row of girls (victims?) until only the blond girl wearing high heels and the terrified girl-next-door were left and you all know how that always turns out.  Terrified girl almost projectile vomits everywhere but the one wearing high-heels can't outrun her fate.  Sure enough it was off with Janell's head as she was the first girl out the contest.  Janell didn't seem to care so why should I?

As any good slasher flick does, we were treated to some feel good moments in between the scenes of destruction.  Up first was Allison and her blood red hair.  She sounded great singing her new song "Scars" and also offered up this little nugget to Ryan, "Should we do an incredibly awkward interview now?"  God bless that quirky girl!

In order to ratchet up the suspense, Ryan then jumped feet first into eliminating the first guy.  He passed up several choice victims - Jermaine, Aaron, Mike but managed to corner Tim and Joe.  Tim, the hapless dweeb who wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place and Joe who was this years "nameless guy in the red shirt who gets picked to accompany the stars of Star Trek on a mission."  For additional historical reference, take a look back over the majority of seasons on Idol and you will see a disturbing pattern of a high percentage of minority, and more specifically Hispanic, contestants being voted off the show in the first 2 weeks of voting.  Yes there are exceptions - Anoop"gawg" for one.  But the majority don't make it past week 2 - Jorge?  In the first big twist of the night it was Joe who got stabbed in the heart by America's votes allowing Tim to scurry to safety for at leats one more week.  I'm not pleased with this but as seems to happen often with these plots there is someone working with the bad guy and at this time I fear it is Tim.  He will be back next week to murder another song and cause undue pain and suffering to millions of viewers.

The next girl to be hunted down was Chelsea's own Ashley Rodriguez (please see previous theory!).  Paired up with Didi, who Vegas bookmakers have pegged at 7/1 odds of winning the whole show, Ashley decided to put up a bit of a fight on her way out.  She was visibly angered and appeared ready to lash out at Ryan. Instead she decided to lash out at America by belting out a schrill and offputting encore that was far from "Happy."  She may have been cute but she evidently couldn't handle the Idol stage and while she should have survived for at least one more week in place of Haeley it wasn't meant to be.

Kris Allen then appeared in his cameo role to provide Ryan with assistance in support for the people of Haiti and to pimp Idol Gives Back which will take place on April 21st.  Good cause and okay performance of "Let It Be" but in my opinion, nothing beets the original, not even Archuleta!

The final act was upon us and it was sure to be a doozie.  Let's set it up shall we.  The final 2 contestants left standing were the bathrobe, gym socks and ankle boot wearing retro-rocker Tyler and the flannel-chammie shirt, dirty t-shirt, baggy jeans and mullet sporting "unripe banana" named Alex.  To add some additional spice to the mix Ryan offers the judges an opportunity to throw one of them under the bus.  In typical Idol fashion, Randy, Kara and Ellen all deflect the question and Simon steps up shoves Tyler with all his hairy chested might.  This causes Alex to pee his pants and scream out profanities which are bleeped out.  But before Tyler's career dies, he manages to jab back at the judges with "If I had gotten more constructive criticism during Hollywood Week..."  which results in Fox cutting his song off to go to the news. 

Alex, Jermaine, Tim, John, Paige, Lacey, Haeley and Siobhan all survived and cost many of us valuable points.  After the finanl number were tallied here is how things stand going into week 2:

David           2 points
Yolanda       2 points
Scott            1 point
Kristen         1 point
Betty            1 point
Lois              1 point
Jon               1 point

Thanks everyone and if everything works out next week we will have voting polls operational for the guys and girls.  I hope to have a test run ready by Monday.

~E