Oh No They Didn't!

I just got off the telephone with the good folks at the elder care facility where my grandmother lives and just as I had predicted, last nights show did indeed bore the pants off her.  And not just her, but everyone who lives there was pantsless by the time the show ended.  Believe me when I say that we should all be glad that we didn't have to see that!  Unfortunately we did have to suffer through 2 hours of some of the most unimagined, flat, halh-hearted, snoozfest inducing "covers" that have ever graced the Idol stage.  I would hazzard a guess that someone, somewhere is pondering a lawsuit against Fox and 19 for their blatent misrepresentation of the product we were to witness coupled with the false advertisment of "Top 12 Girls." 

Put out and APB or an Amber Alert because someone kidnapped the Girls talent.  For the love of everything good and decent in the world, please let the "Top 12 Boys" bring some life back to the Idol stage tonight.  Even the judges seemed disinterested with the majority of the performances and began sounding like a broken record after just the second performance and for what Ashley (my fellow Chelsalvedoran!) did on that stage I am using the term performance loosely.

The show began with the announcement from Ryan that for the next 3 weeks the contestants would be singing hits fron the Billboard Top 100, just as I had alluded to in my Tuesday post.  Hits from the Billboard Top 100?  It was more like "Hits from the Bong."  There was no life at all on the stage.  Ryan further reminded everyone that the bottom 2 girls and boys each week would be tossed back into the sea of mediocre singers that roam the Earth until the voting public had carefully and thoughtfully crafted their Top 12.  Based on last nights offerings, it should be a bottom 10 because only 2 Girls actually did enough to sail on through to next week.

Up first was Paige Miles (the contestant that Simon stated was the best singer in the competition) who was "singing?" Free's "All Right Now."  I don't know about any of you but I wasn't alright after listening to what sounded more like Minnie Driver's version of "Stand By Your Man" in Goldeneye.  Youtube it if want a laugh.  Sure she was first to go and was so nervous that she had to be sewn into her clothes and may also have been suffering from uromysitisis.  Regardless she did nothing remotely interesting with the song except not sing it that well.  Yes, she has pipes and a bluesy/soulful tone but so does my my Watson when he howls.  Sadly he's too old to audition.  He's 8!

Ashley Rodriguez stepped on stage next and no sooner had Ryan indicated that she would be singing (again I use this term loosely) "Happy" by Leona Lewis.  Folks, there was nothing happy about the performance until it ended.  Ashley is not Leona Lewis and should never, ever try to be her ever again.  Simon summed it up perfectly when he said "This is not going well."

Janell Wheeler followed with Heart's "What About Love."  What about love?  What about in tune.  Why don't you try that next week Janell if you survive.  And while you are at it perhaps you should wear some pants that are more flattering.  Bad clothing choice.  Worse song choice.  Randy hit it right on the head when he said "Glad that's over."  At least you can go to the new Harry Potter section of Disneyworld when you get back to Orlando.  I hear it's magical....

The fifth Beatle Lily Scott was up next with "Fixing A Hole."  This was the first performance that I actually enjoyed.  Did she hit all the notes?  No.  Does she have a great sound and cool vocals.  Yes.  Does she remind anyone else of Cyndi Lauper?  Kara was right on when she said, "That was believeable."

Hot on Lily's heels was Katelyn Epperly (who was channelling her inner Sara Jessica Parker with the feather in her hair and her outer Dita von Teese meets Tammy Faye Baker with the rubber dress/I got into's mommy's makeup look).  Horrific styling aside, Epperly did a nice job with the Beatles' "Oh Darlin."  While she did get a bit "screemy" at times, she moved switched things up and the tone of her voice was smooth.

Haley Joel Osment, I mean Haeley Vaughn followed Epperly and had me longingly thinking about the Reese's Peanut Butter Egg commercial that aired after Lily Scott's performance.  Vaughn (I'd rather have heard Vince Vaughn sing) assaulted us with every bit of her air time.  Not only did we have to suffer through her video package and witness her getting her nose pierced but then she preceeded to pierce our eardrums with her trainwreck version of "I Want To Hold Your Hand."  Well I wanted to plug my ears but even that couldn't stop the pain and suffering.  I'm not sure what Ellen was listening to but it couldn't have been Vaugn because there was no way she would have said that she enjoyed it.  Simon was right again when he stated "If I'm being honest, that was verging on terrible.  You sounded like a wind-up doll.  It was a complete and utter mess."  The man speaks the truth.

Lacey Brown graced the stage next with her rendition of Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide."  As a point of reference, Lacey was beat out for the final spot last year by Megan Joy Corkery.  And we all know how that turned out "Ca caw!"  "Anywho, there she was on a stool.  Sounding like she was drowning in a pool.  And I could feel my ears bleeding from the start.  It was like watching Godzilla stomp a small Tokyo village apart."  Hmmm,  I might have something there.  Lacey on the other hand had nothing.  Which is too bad because I kinda dig her vibe.  Ellen was right, she is better than that.

Michelle Delamor performed Alicia Keys "Fallin" and it wasn't half bad.  While she did fall into the same trap as several of her fellow contestants - copycat of a much bigger and better singer, she did manage sing the song well.  Yes it was a super safe choice but at least she actually hit the notes.  What she was missing was the wow factor.  Had she brought something interesting to the performance she would have vaulted right to the top of the Girls.

And then there were three. 

I was excited to hear Didi Benami.  She is another one that I have enjoyed so far.  The I wasn't so excited.  As Simon said it was "dreary" and "there was no spark."  I love Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I Am" and I think that it is a perfect showcase for Didi's voice but the whole thing reminded me of Han Solo after he was frozen in carbonite -- too stiff and lifeless.  Should she be around next week?  I say yes.

Siobhan Magnus, the Cape Cod glassblowing apprentice decided that she would leap out of the 80's into the 90's and show her softer side with Chris Issac's "Wicked Game."  As Simon said, "You are a funny little thing."  He couldn' be more correct.  She is an odd one thus far.  I can't quite put my finger on it but if I could, I'd bet I wouldn't find a pulse.  My reference to "Hits From the Bong" earlier was in direct reference to Siobhan.  From her sleepy-eyed stare to her "What does dark horse mean," I was having flashbacks (point of reference, marijuana does not cause flashbacks, acid/shrooms/peyote does - or so I told) to Pickler and her infamous "What's salmon?" statement.  Either the Cape school system is not up to snuff or Siobhan needs to find a job with a better ventilation system.

Crystal "Crest Whitening Strips" Bowersox was the penultimate performer and perform she did.  Singing (and I actually mean it this time!) Alanis Morissette's "Hand In My Pocket," Crystal, her guitar and harmonica were probably the most polished performance of the night.  She interacted with the crowd and the band and while she didn't make the song her own she didn't sound like a copycat.  Kara was right (can anyone else believe that Kara and Randy were on fire tonight?) when she said that she needs to be mindful of not sounding "coffee house."  I also enjoyed when Crystal responded to Simon when he told her to try and not sound like everyone else by saying "you don't allow original's on the show."  Priceless! 

Katie Stevens closed the show in the "Pimp Slot."  Singing "Feeling Good" by Michael Buble, Katie didn't manage to wow us as Adam Lambert did last season with his performance of the same song.  That being said, I didn't think that the judges were accurate with their critiques.  Regardless, katie shoudl be around next week and will no doubt step up her game.  She has one heck of a voice and I look forward to her performing next week.

Tonight we get the Top 12 Guys and I can only hope that their performances and song choices are better than the video package dancing they closed the show with because if it isn't, we are in for a long night. 

Who stays and who goes?  Leave a comment with your thoughts!

~E