I Brought Lazers!

Happy Tax Day everyone!  I trust that huge refunds are to be enjoyed by all.....no?  Well if you are getting a refund and are looking for something fun to spend it on I recommend inviting Adam Lambert over because as evidenced by last nights performance, he will bring lazers!!!!  And nothing says it's a party like lazers, a smoke machine, and well dressed dudes wearing guyliner.  Oh and tequila for Ellen!!!

Anyhoo, geting down to business.  In my humble opinion, as a long time viewer of American Idol, that was the worst results show from top to bottom in the history of the show.  No offense to Adam Lambert.  He was the only interesting and entertaining part on the entire hour.  He was over the top; sounded great; and really demonstrated (disregard the lazers and smoke) how to leave it all on the stage every time you step out on it.  What I don't understand is why the Idol producers didn't just let him perform 2 songs.  I would have preferred to see Adam perform again than to have to suffer the indignation of listening to (or fast forwarding through like I did) a busted down Brooke White - who was looking a little too Carly Simonish for comfort and Justin Gaston - the underwear model and former boytoy of Miley Cyrus who was trying hard to look like Colin Farrell.  What a load of waffel those two spewed all over the stage.  I can't remember the name of the song and I most certainly have no desire to download it from iTunes, even if it's free! 

And don't even get me started on the lame ass opening segment.  Oh no; too late.  In all seriousness, if you have to try that hard to build suspense and drama, it becomes glaringly obvious to anyone watching that none actually exists.  Granted, anyone who has been watching this season has been reminded week after week of the lack of energy, excitment, drama and suspense.  Outside of perhaps a handful of performances, these contestants have trotted out on stage each week and performed the theme/artist catalogue song in the most banal, bland and boring way possible.  An no, I don't count Turban's "slide" as bringing energy and excitment to a performance.  That's just being a "douche" as far as I'm concerned.  And for anyone who is unfamiliar with that slightly vulgar(?) term, here is the urban slang dictionary definition:  Adj) A person who is a waste of oxygen; an idiot. To act in a ridiculous manner; embarassing (V) or (and I'm not making this up...) George W. Bush, former president of the United States.

Now on to my second rant.....the "Medley of Elvis classics" group number.  First I will explain that the entire time this travesty was unfolding on my television screen (a rather nice Samsung 32 inch flat screen mind you which really brought out all the high-def, lip-synched awfulness) I was envisioning throwing myself down a really long flight of really hard stairs and when that couldn't drown out the images I was seeing on the screen I switched to picturing myself being run over by one of the countless illegal hoopties that bomb up and down the streets of my neighborhood every day.  Again, for those unfamiliar with the term, here is the definition:  Any car that meets the following: a) driver must enter car through passenger side b) three different brand and size tires - 3 of them missing hubcap c) exhaust is held up by half a clothes hanger - other half replaces the antenna d) backfires every three blocks - loudest backfire being when car is turned off e) must open door at drive-threws as windows don't roll down f) you only get one AM station and the tape deck eats all tapes inserted g) can't open the glove box as the whole thing will fall out h) if you let go of steering wheel while driving you'll make a u-turn i) must manually move blinker lever up and down as it no longer blinks on it's own j) must keep one foot on brake and one on accelerator when at a complete stop k) has had the same temporary registration sticker in the window for the last 18 months l) has all the above issues but still has a $200 professional tint job

Now I will treat you to Michael Slezak's description of the group number:
"In stark contrast to Adam's dazzling live vocals was another lip-synched group performance. Now I'm sure many of you hit the mute button/changed the channel/locked yourself in a panic room when Ryan declared that we were about to be treated to a ''medley of Elvis classics'' from the Top 9, but since I'm paid to endure this sort of musical groin-punch, I watched and listened to the whole thing. I observed 17-year-old Katie Stevens doing a knock-kneed dance during ''Burning Love.'' I saw Crystal forced to do a Shakira-lite hip-shake on ''Viva Las Vegas.'' I saw Big Mike dipping Crystal with wild abandon. And then I momentarily blacked out."

I'd gladly have returned all of that crap to sender to enjoy a performance by Elliot Yamin.  Anyone with me on that one?  Considering he was sitting in the front row....

I vaguely remember there being a Ford commercial but for the life of me I can't remember exactly what it was about or what song it was set to.  Were there trees?  I think I remember seeing trees.  Why would there be trees?  Well, who cares I have no intention of ever buying a Ford, riding in a Ford and most importantly, trying to win a Ford with a paintjob inspired by one of the Idol contestants.

But I'm not done with my rants quite yet!  Ryan continued to display rather odd behavior and it has gotten very old.  The man is clearly either overworked; sad that Simon is leaving and not taking him along; upset that Ricky Minor is jumping ship to the Jay Leno show; found Paula's stash of meds/liquor; was jilted by Justin Beiber; or all of the above.  Either way I'm tired of his new "act." 

Okay, I think that's all I have to say.....oh shnap; the reshults!  Again, not a typo, just making fun of Ryan.
Andrew was the first to go and really, does anyone care?  I don't.  He shouldn't have made it this far to begin with.  A word of advice to Andrew.  You repeatedly reminded us that you "were doing this to make a better life for your family."  If that was truly the case, why the heck didn't you make a stronger effort to not suck every week?  Do you think that little of your family?  Or are you just not that talented?  Epic fail!

The only surprise in the first 20 minutes of the show was that Aaron survived to torment us for another week.  Who keeps voting for this dweeb?  Oh goodie, he'll be around for "Inspirational Songs" week with Alicia Keys.   More on this below!

Lee was so devestated to see his bromance come to a end....there's always sexting Lee....who will get custody of their "little baby Gokey's?" 

In yet another lame attempt to drum up drama and suspense Ryan called Lee, Siobhan, Katie, Mike, Crystal and Tim out to center stage.  Casey was already safe so he and Aaron had to sit by themselves and suffer along with the rest of us.  Ryan methodically whittles the group down to Tim, Katie and Mike.  Crystal playes herself to safety on the tiny harmonica on the necklace!  Eventually Ryan sends Tim to safety leaving Mike and Katie.  After more waiting, Ryan informs everyone that one of the contestants wasn't even in the bottom 3 in terms of votes and no surprise it's Mike who is also safe.  So long Katie!!  Perhaps I'll see you this weekend in CT since I'll be down the street from your house. 

So we must say goodbye good riddance to

Cry Me A River!  Oops, that would be for Justin Timberlake week....which would be awesome if they did it!

Now back the "Inspirational Song" week.  Here is the actual set list that the contestants (Top 7) get to choose from.  And there are some realy doozies in there.  Check it out and post your suggestions as to who should sing what. 

A Moment Like This – Kelly Clarkson

Amazing Grace – Susan Boyle

Angels – Robbie Williams

Anyway – Martina McBride

Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In – The Fifth Dimension

Better Days – The Goo Goo Dolls

Bridge Over Troubled Waters – Simon & Garfunkle

Calling All Angels – Train

Changes – David Bowie

Dare You To Move – Switchfoot

Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House

Don’t Stop – Fleetwood Mac

Dream Weaver – Gary Wright

Drive – Incubus
Everyday People – Sly & The Family Stone
Flying Without Wings – Ruben Studdard
From a Distance – Bette Midler
Go the Distance – Michael Bolton
Greatest Love of All – Whitney Houston
Hands – Jewel
Heaven Help Us All – Stevie Wonder
Hero – Chad Kroeger featuring Josey Scott
Higher – Creed
Holding Out for a Hero – Bonnie Tyler
I Am Changing – Jennifer Hudson
I Believe I Can Fly – R. Kelly
I Can See Clearly Now – Jimmy Cliff
I Hope You Dance – Lee Ann Womack
I Turn To You – Christina Aguilera
I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
I’ll Be There – Jackson 5
If You Believe – The Wiz Original Broadway Cast
I’ll Stand By You – The Pretenders
I’m Coming Out – Diana Ross
It’s My Life – Bon Jovi
I’ve Had The Time Of My Life – Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
Lifted – Lighthouse Family
Live Like We’re Dying – Kris Allen
Live Like You Were Dying – Tim McGraw
Livin’ on a Prayer – Bon Jovi
Living in America – James Brown
Lovely Day – Bill Withers
My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
My Wish – Rascal Flatts
Only Hope -- Mandy Moore
Over the Rainbow – Judy Garland
People Get Ready – The Impressions
Rainbow – Sugar Ray
Reach Out and Touch (Somebody’s Hand) – Diana Ross
Reflection – Christina Aguilera
Return to Innocence – Enigma
The River of Dreams – Billy Joel
Show Me What I’m Looking For – Carolina Liar
So Small – Carrie Underwood
Stronger – Mary J. Blige
That’s The Way God Planned It – Billy Preston
That’s What Friends Are For – Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Gladys Knight
The Boxer – Simon & Garfunkle
The Impossible Dream – Frank Sinatra
The Prayer – Andrea Bocelli & Celine Dion
The Time of My Life – David Cook
The Is My Now – Jordin Sparks
Up Where We Belong – Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes
Walking on Sunshine – Katrina & The Waves
We Are the Champions – Queen
What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstong
What the World Needs Now is Love – Jackie DeShannon
When you Believe – Mariah Carey
Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette Midler
World – Five for Fighting
You Light Up My Life – Debby Boone
You Raise Me Up – Josh Groban
You’ll Never Walk Alone – Barbara Streisand
You’re My Best Friend – Queen
You’re the Inspiration – Chicago
You’ve Got a Friend – Carole King 
Your Love Keeps Lifting Me (Higher and Higher) – Jackie Wilson     


Congrats to Betty who was the only one to earn 4 points.  She also jumped into second place.  Well done Betty! 

Current Standings (with who we picked to go home)


Eric -- 13 (Aaron & Andrew)
Betty -- 11 (Katie & Andrew)
Yolanda -- 10 (Casey & Andrew)
Scott -- 9 (Aaron & Andrew)
Emily -- 9 (Aaron & Andrew)
Kristen -- 8 (Aaron & Andrew)
Mary M. --8 (Aaron & Andrew)
Lois -- 8 (Aaron & Andrew)
April -- 8 (Aaron & Andrew)
David -- 6 (Aaron & Katie)
Jon -- 6 (Aaron & Andrew)
Jeff -- 5 (No Vote)
Shannon -- 4 (Aaron & Andrew)
Mary W. -- 1 (Siobhan & Andrew)
Margret -- 0 (No Vote)